When you think about inappropriate Christmas songs, your mind probably wanders to those bluesy Christmas jams about Santa wantin’ some satisfaction; or parodies from LGBTQ singers who do their damndest to make the yuletide gay; or the myriad hip-hop and hard rock songs that gleefully inject sex n’ swears into seasonal fare. And sure, we have all those on our list, but we also have a lot more… okay, we have nine of those songs plus one hyper-literate takedown of crass Christmas commercialization.
Regardless, here are 10 XXXmas listens that aren’t exactly appropriate for your family fireside.
Afroman, “I Wish You Would Roll a New Blunt”
Afroman’s A Colt 45 Christmas is a master class in sex-n-drugs jokes that are so dumb you can’t even be angry at ’em, and this G-funk revamp of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” finds the evergreen enthusiast repeating “The good weed I bring like a cottonmouth king / so reach in the cooler and pass me a beer” before hitting the chorus. As for his version of “Let It Snow” on the same 2006 LP? Well, if you can’t figure out what foreplay term he rhymes with ‘snow,’ we’ll tell you when you’re older. — JOE LYNCH
Clarence Carter, “Back Door Santa”
Even in the Santa’s-horny soul subgenre — see Rufus Thomas’ “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby” and Albert King’s “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'” — Carter’s “Back Door Santa” stands out for its lecherous lyrics. Sure, Carter’s Santa likes to “make all the little girls happy.” But “old Saint Nick / He don’t come but once a year.” Fun fact: Carter’s recording provides the hook for Run-D.M.C.’s “Christmas in Hollis.” — ROB LEVINE
The Darkness, “Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)”
This sounds like a sweet, if bombastic, ode to Christmas melancholy from the U.K. snark-rock band — complete with soaring vocals and ringing guitars. It will sound sweet, even wholesome, to any family member who’s not familiar with British slang. In which case, not so much. — R.L.
Eazy-E, “Merry Muthaphuckkin’ Xmas”
Originally included on Eazy’s 1992 EP 5150: Home 4 Tha Sick, this song starts with a storybook scene, erupts into gunfire sound effects and basically goes on to mug the holiday — indo wreath, “a condom in a tree,” and more yuletide-related acts of sex and violence than you’d think would fit into 5:50. Does he throw in a reference to “mommy f—ing Eazy Claus?” Do you even need to ask? — R.L.
Fear, “F–k Christmas”
For those less likely to delight and more likely to despair on Dec. 25, Lee Ving’s pioneering hardcore punk band Fear has the definitive Grinch statement with the bluntly titled “F—k Christmas.” At 46 seconds, it’s not much of a song, but how long do you really need to get a message that unsubtle across anyway? — J.L.
Big Freedia, “Santa Is a Gay Man”
Using the Chordettes’ delicately innocent ’50s hit “Mr. Sandman” as a jumping off point, Big Freedia’s “Santa Is a Gay Man” turns a Christmas letter to Santa into a “u up?” text for St. Nick’s burner cell, rhyming Santa’s “belly” with “K-Y Jelly” and “roses and clover” with “bend over.” Even so, Freedia maintains an ineffable sweetness throughout the lechery that it’s hard to be scandalized. — J.L.
Tom Lehrer, “A Christmas Carol”
Brilliant ivory-tickling satirist (and former mathematics professor) Tom Lehrer eviscerated the ballooning commercialization of Christmas in America with a jolly tribute to “what we most sincerely and deeply believe in: money” on “A Christmas Carol” from 1959’s An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer. Urging Christmas camaraderie in a capitalist society because “there’s time to rob him all the more the other 364,” Lehrer salutes corporate cash-ins on the season with a sardonic smirk: “Hark the Herald Tribune sings, advertising wondrous things / God rest ye merry merchants may you make the yuletide pay.” — J.L.
Luke, Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop
At just seven tracks and under 25 minutes, this 1993 EP by Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew and associated acts has something for everyone… something inappropriate, that is. It begins with a song that rhymes “trick” with “Saint Nick” (“Ho Hoe Hoes”); continues with one about Santa going to a strip club (“2 Live Christmas”); and eventually concludes that “Christmas time is party time” (“Christmas Time Megamix”). This is how Xmas becomes XXXmas. — R.L.
Trixie Mattel, “All I Want for Christmas Is Nudes”
Drag queens reworking dirty parodies of pop hits is a tradition as old as fruitcake, so it only makes sense that as drag makes in-roads into the mainstream, Trixie Mattel arrives with an appropriately NSWF (Not Safe for Wenceslas) version of the ultimate modern Christmas classic, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” as “All I Want for Christmas Is Nudes.” Rendered in her country-folk style, this Grindr-ization of Mariah’s No. 1 is so cleverly stupid (“I just want them on my phone/take some pics when you’re alone”) you can’t believe someone didn’t do it earlier. — J.L.
Various Artists, Christmas on Death Row
The most shocking thing about this album is that much of it is less naughty than nice: Danny Boy sings “The Christmas Song” faithfully, and Nate Dogg and Butch Cassidy’s “Be Thankful” is almost sweet. But it’s inappropriately long at 16 tracks — including two each by B.G.O.T.I. and 6 Feet Deep — and the cover image of the label’s hooded inmate in a Santa hat is too much even for Death Row. — R.L.